Your ability to engage in the complexity & nuance is evidence that you’re fully in your body, & mind, & am also relieved that safe company persists for you too despite the betrayal. Though we walk in the shadows of power it can never take up all the light, this’ the bane of its insecurity and well you dear are the light with no shadow of turning. 💜
I have to start with WOW. Hearing you recount the cyclical nature and pervasiveness of your trauma has left me facing my own. While I am not as brave as you to let the pain transcribe itself through my hands, you allowed me the space to be courageous in my healing by holding space for yours.
Thank you Nia.
Before your essay, I was a ball of yarn. Tangled and fuzzy and frustrated. I still don’t have a voice to scream, but you did something so remarkable in this essay, for I am completely untangled and yearning for more than the incessant reminders of my hurt. I often think, how can i be any good to my community when I still wish harm on those who’ve caused irreparable damage within me.
You have given me the privilege to meet you at your pain, to share this sorrow with you, and I think that is a beautiful place to start healing. I thank you for your vulnerability, strength, and courage Nia ❤️🩹
this is my second time reading this and i have so many half-baked thoughts floating around but i’ll try to be as coherent as i can:
i’m so sorry you had to endure this assault, especially at the hands of someone you trusted with so much love.
i haven't been having these thoughts specifically in the context of SAAM but generally, since last year, i’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between abuse, ownership, and personhood… there’s something so [idek what the word is to describe the mind-fuckery] about knowing someone saw you as an opportunity -- knowing they *could*, so they just… *did*. all the psychological scars it leaves behind leaves such little space for *you* -- to exist, to breathe, to get to know yourself sans the fear and self-loathing. it’s so dehumanizing, it literally grates at your soul, it’s so freaking unfair. (i’ve been reflecting on childhood caregiver abuse.)
obviously idk what your healing journey’s been like up to this point, but i think it’s really cool that you’re a point where you can recognize what you need (to write your feelings out and affirm yourself) and try to give yourself that support as best as you can muster. i feel like that already speaks volumes about how much you *do* belong to you, the fact that you listen to yourself and honor that.
thank you for sharing this. idk how to describe it but i always feel humbled to be able to read/hear your thoughts; your honesty and vulnerable just makes me feel connected in some way (maybe that’s just the beauty of writing/sharing thoughts in general?). sending you hope, healing, patience and anything else you need ♡
Will be thinking about/praying for you and your healing and processing. Thank you always for sharing your thoughts/questions/words with us. Sending love.
Firstly, praying for your recovery and healing through this difficult time. Secondly, I’d like to thank you for sharing, the line about ambiguity and the offending party being able to say they didn’t know, hit me the hardest. I’m dealing with the fall out of violation, and I find myself doubting if anything even happened. Yet my body feels like a stranger, and I can barely get through the day without being seized by images of what happened. I’m so grateful for this because I feel less alone, and I am in awe of the foresight and compassion you show even in such a bleak moment. Sending you all the love ❤️
I’d like to first off say, thank you so much for sharing this with us Nia. F that person for what they did to you. I know how traumatic it can be to have memories of SA be triggered by another assault. I don’t have much to say because I am a person who is still in the phase where I have compartmentalized a lot of my sexual trauma in the past & am slowly working towards unpacking it. But I hear you, I understand you and I love you deeply. I will pray for you tonight
I’ll probably come back and comment something else once I’ve thought more and what I’m about to say isn’t completely on topic. but I just wanted to say I have so much respect for you and I love the way your brain works. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who thinks about certain things but then I listen to your thought process and it makes me feel less alone, and more hopeful about the world we live in. (Sorry if this was weird and cringey I struggle with how to articulate myself sometimes). I would say I’m praying for you but I don’t rlly believe in God so I’ll just say I’m sending love! 🩷
thank you so much for sharing this, Nia. i always appreciate your perspective, and this really struck a chord with me as someone also navigating between victim and survivor. praying for your rest and healing. ❤️🔥
I struggle with these ideas when I think of the people who violated me. I personally don’t want them to be better or grow. I want them to go away. I know that’s not productive and it is for the most part antithetical to what I want to believe and see in the world but if they get better that means they could’ve been better. I didn’t have to hurt and that thought makes me hurt more.
I’m stunned by your clarity in this situation. In thoughts, writing, and action. your body is yours, and your insistence is brilliant.
This choice of release for yourself is like a light, a focused act of love. I’m so sorry she did this to you, it’s so cruel. But you chose the opposite for yourself.
And think it’s beautiful the community you’ve built and your willingness to ask and receive from them.
I'm struck by the line that power loves itself and doesn't do chromosomal checks at the door. This is a great reminder that any one of us can become abusers if we are not actively trying to interrupt white supremacist heteropatriarchy etc. There are no identity markers that make people predisposed to being immune from repeating cycles of abuse/violence. I'm sorry this happened to you and am sending you positive energy. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with us.
I am grateful for your willingness and ability to be vulnerable with us. I keep typing and erasing because my thoughts start but don’t seem to have a finish. Sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️ and I hope you are able to find an amazing pet to help you through this. My dog was an integral part of healing past my own sexual trauma.
I appreciate you taking the time to share with us even as you are facing such a tremendous hardship. My sincere hope is that it gets easier with every minute. What I know as a victim of sexual assault as well is that it feels like it only gets harder. Keeping you in prayer today, mamas.
Prayers going out to and for you 🕯️ . Wishing you ease as you heal, grieve, and process. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to witness you access and ask for what you need in the moment. Take all the care and may you find the cuddly companion you need 💜
Your ability to engage in the complexity & nuance is evidence that you’re fully in your body, & mind, & am also relieved that safe company persists for you too despite the betrayal. Though we walk in the shadows of power it can never take up all the light, this’ the bane of its insecurity and well you dear are the light with no shadow of turning. 💜
I have to start with WOW. Hearing you recount the cyclical nature and pervasiveness of your trauma has left me facing my own. While I am not as brave as you to let the pain transcribe itself through my hands, you allowed me the space to be courageous in my healing by holding space for yours.
Thank you Nia.
Before your essay, I was a ball of yarn. Tangled and fuzzy and frustrated. I still don’t have a voice to scream, but you did something so remarkable in this essay, for I am completely untangled and yearning for more than the incessant reminders of my hurt. I often think, how can i be any good to my community when I still wish harm on those who’ve caused irreparable damage within me.
You have given me the privilege to meet you at your pain, to share this sorrow with you, and I think that is a beautiful place to start healing. I thank you for your vulnerability, strength, and courage Nia ❤️🩹
this is my second time reading this and i have so many half-baked thoughts floating around but i’ll try to be as coherent as i can:
i’m so sorry you had to endure this assault, especially at the hands of someone you trusted with so much love.
i haven't been having these thoughts specifically in the context of SAAM but generally, since last year, i’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between abuse, ownership, and personhood… there’s something so [idek what the word is to describe the mind-fuckery] about knowing someone saw you as an opportunity -- knowing they *could*, so they just… *did*. all the psychological scars it leaves behind leaves such little space for *you* -- to exist, to breathe, to get to know yourself sans the fear and self-loathing. it’s so dehumanizing, it literally grates at your soul, it’s so freaking unfair. (i’ve been reflecting on childhood caregiver abuse.)
obviously idk what your healing journey’s been like up to this point, but i think it’s really cool that you’re a point where you can recognize what you need (to write your feelings out and affirm yourself) and try to give yourself that support as best as you can muster. i feel like that already speaks volumes about how much you *do* belong to you, the fact that you listen to yourself and honor that.
thank you for sharing this. idk how to describe it but i always feel humbled to be able to read/hear your thoughts; your honesty and vulnerable just makes me feel connected in some way (maybe that’s just the beauty of writing/sharing thoughts in general?). sending you hope, healing, patience and anything else you need ♡
Will be thinking about/praying for you and your healing and processing. Thank you always for sharing your thoughts/questions/words with us. Sending love.
Firstly, praying for your recovery and healing through this difficult time. Secondly, I’d like to thank you for sharing, the line about ambiguity and the offending party being able to say they didn’t know, hit me the hardest. I’m dealing with the fall out of violation, and I find myself doubting if anything even happened. Yet my body feels like a stranger, and I can barely get through the day without being seized by images of what happened. I’m so grateful for this because I feel less alone, and I am in awe of the foresight and compassion you show even in such a bleak moment. Sending you all the love ❤️
I’d like to first off say, thank you so much for sharing this with us Nia. F that person for what they did to you. I know how traumatic it can be to have memories of SA be triggered by another assault. I don’t have much to say because I am a person who is still in the phase where I have compartmentalized a lot of my sexual trauma in the past & am slowly working towards unpacking it. But I hear you, I understand you and I love you deeply. I will pray for you tonight
I’ll probably come back and comment something else once I’ve thought more and what I’m about to say isn’t completely on topic. but I just wanted to say I have so much respect for you and I love the way your brain works. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who thinks about certain things but then I listen to your thought process and it makes me feel less alone, and more hopeful about the world we live in. (Sorry if this was weird and cringey I struggle with how to articulate myself sometimes). I would say I’m praying for you but I don’t rlly believe in God so I’ll just say I’m sending love! 🩷
thank you so much for sharing this, Nia. i always appreciate your perspective, and this really struck a chord with me as someone also navigating between victim and survivor. praying for your rest and healing. ❤️🔥
I struggle with these ideas when I think of the people who violated me. I personally don’t want them to be better or grow. I want them to go away. I know that’s not productive and it is for the most part antithetical to what I want to believe and see in the world but if they get better that means they could’ve been better. I didn’t have to hurt and that thought makes me hurt more.
I’m stunned by your clarity in this situation. In thoughts, writing, and action. your body is yours, and your insistence is brilliant.
This choice of release for yourself is like a light, a focused act of love. I’m so sorry she did this to you, it’s so cruel. But you chose the opposite for yourself.
And think it’s beautiful the community you’ve built and your willingness to ask and receive from them.
sending you healing and love ❤️
I'm struck by the line that power loves itself and doesn't do chromosomal checks at the door. This is a great reminder that any one of us can become abusers if we are not actively trying to interrupt white supremacist heteropatriarchy etc. There are no identity markers that make people predisposed to being immune from repeating cycles of abuse/violence. I'm sorry this happened to you and am sending you positive energy. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with us.
I am grateful for your willingness and ability to be vulnerable with us. I keep typing and erasing because my thoughts start but don’t seem to have a finish. Sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️ and I hope you are able to find an amazing pet to help you through this. My dog was an integral part of healing past my own sexual trauma.
I appreciate you taking the time to share with us even as you are facing such a tremendous hardship. My sincere hope is that it gets easier with every minute. What I know as a victim of sexual assault as well is that it feels like it only gets harder. Keeping you in prayer today, mamas.
Prayers going out to and for you 🕯️ . Wishing you ease as you heal, grieve, and process. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to witness you access and ask for what you need in the moment. Take all the care and may you find the cuddly companion you need 💜